How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Randomize
