I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
