note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
