I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
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