I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
