I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I need to align my fucking chakras
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
