so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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