My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
