forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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