Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
