He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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