i just sent this text using only my big toe
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize