I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I just want to make out with him forever
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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