Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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