theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
