all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
