this is something i pride myself on being below average for
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
