Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
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