you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
