I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
