My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
