I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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