i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
If I die, sorry about rent.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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