Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
