don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
