A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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