Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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