so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize