M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I could fuck to npr.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
