You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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