She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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