your profile still reads that you like women...interesting? I think there is some photography and video that will show otherwise
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Randomize
