I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
