Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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