I checked into jail on foursquare
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
