What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
