I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
If I die, sorry about rent.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
