Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
home. puking in laundry basket.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
