My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
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