the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
