Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
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