There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
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