I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
