I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
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