Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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