Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
