The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Randomize
