the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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