then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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