you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
