I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize