I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
