Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I wish there were birth control emojis
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
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