shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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