I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
