i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
