I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
