i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
