I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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