god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize