The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
