I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
