What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
