saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
