4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize