You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
