if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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