What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
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