Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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